Fear, hope and magic | Halloween 2021

This Halloween has a surface level of fright accompanied by a deeper feeling of real fear. The past weekend has been the first time in a few months where I have felt a small dose of relief. 


 My final nursing placement finished the night before my weekend of Halloween fun began. A lot of my self-care was put on hold for the sake of my degree. I have made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of my degree. The aforementioned fear really sets in when I think about the week to come and the rejection it could bring with it. I have applied and interviewed for my dream graduate position, I find out the result this week and I am terrified. I am terrified, excited, full of self-doubt but also full of hope. 


The reason I decided to go into nursing as a career is always clarified when I see someone who is in a similar position to what I was. Whenever a patient tells me they weren’t believed by a medical professional, whenever I overhear people saying a patient is “only here for the attention” … I cannot help but think about where I was and how different it would have been if someone had taken me seriously. 


 At the start of my degree, it was harder to shut that empathetic part of me off. Every time I would cry over a situation that hit a little close to home, I healed a little bit more. During the final parts of my degree, I have recognised that my compassion and lived experience is a strength rather than a weakness. 


I often get comments from nurses that I will become bitter over time or that I will harden up as the years pass, usually following a sympathetic statement regarding a patient. Call me childishly optimistic if you'd like but I cannot help but disagree with their statements. 


Nursing, for me, is a certain kind of magic. As nurses, we mix potions of medicine to fix people, we assist in healing with our words, our touch. I don’t believe I could have chosen a career closer to magic and more in tune with who I want to be as a person. I am excited to have more time for my creative endeavours and spend time with my loved ones. I’m aiming for balance. I don’t ever want to be a person who is hardened or desensitised. I want to work enough to live, have some freedom, keep my compassion, stay hungry for knowledge, be excited about change, continue my education and remember why I became a nurse. I want to be the person I needed in those dark hours, I want to believe the people who others turn away, I want to give the hope I have gained through hard work and experience. After all, hope is magic.


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