What's really been going on... : Journal Post: Jessica K Photography
What has really been going on...
So, this year. This year has definitely been an experience so far… The point of this post is honesty and although I will leave some small details out, this is about expression.
WARNING: NSFW SELF-PORTRAITS
WARNING: NSFW SELF-PORTRAITS
This year I have slowly been spiralling back into depression. Living with anxiety is bad enough because you constantly worry about everything, but then depression looms over you and suddenly you feel numb, don’t care about anything AND YOU’RE STILL STRESSING.
Ever since I moved to Melbourne, my anxiety has been consuming me, dealing with living out of home, moving interstate and moving in with my partner was maybe a stupid idea all at once, i’ll accept that now. With that said, I don’t regret anything, I have met incredible people, had wonderful experiences and i’ve been to new places.
I love Melbourne and part of me wishes I didn’t because now my heart is torn between two cities. I wish I could stay here I really do, but everything the universe throws at me is telling me that I need to move home to safety. Friends, family, familiar places, support and love. I have made brilliant new friends down here but I need the people who have dealt with me in this state of mind before. The problem with all of this is that more than anything I want to push everyone away and i’m a person that runs away from her problems… here I am doing it yet again.
These images were taken at the location of the next Fears Series shoot, directly before shooting and directly before the end of my long term relationship. There’s something surreal about looking back on images of yourself when you were younger and just wondering what it would be like to live that carelessly again, to feel like you’re worth something again, not worry about who you’re letting down today, to just live again.
This is a scrapbook of my really awful childhood drawings.
The little girl I was when I was younger wouldn’t have wanted me to be this hopeless. She wanted to be a fairy or a mermaid when she grew up, she wanted to create art everyday and she wanted to be happy. Instead I feel like I have morphed into a self destructive anxiety riddled mess. I had a few years there where I had been living without any suicidal thoughts and that was great and all but now we’re back where we started anyway. I’m having a hard time getting to work and when I eventually do drag myself out of bed for it I feel like i’m on the urge of a breakdown for the entire experience.
My jewellery box, notice the little guitar scribbled on the front.
One of my favourite lockets during primary school.
The location of these images is an abandoned house next door to mine which is on my grandfathers property, it is filled with most of my childhood memories and miscellaneous junk.
As I was leaving for Melbourne to throw my left over belongings through the door, I noticed the brilliant orange glow that bounced off the pastel pink walls in the room, illuminating my dollhouse and stuffed toys… Nostalgia summed up in one single experience.
Now to switch the mood from warm golden light to false blue bathroom lighting in my small Melbourne apartment. These images are a visual representation of what it feels like to be completely alone and vulnerable while suffering from a panic attack.
So where do I go from here? Who the hell knows. This post doesn’t really have an ending because well, it’s not over. All I know for sure is that I can create from this, and that’s what i’ll do until things get better…